DISCLAIMER: This article is not appendaged by mind-numbing statistics. It will not talk about Chetan Bhagat, The Times, or Rahul Gandhi. I shall also refrain from using popular phrases like YOLO, Intolerance and ‘The Nation Wants to Know’. If you are already turned off, I’d rather suggest that you utilise your energy in reading something about the combinatorics or Euclidean geometry. If you are still reading, then well, I too have something important to share. This article promises to be brimming distilled honesty and invaluable wisdom gained through real life experiences.
I present to you, ten solid gold reasons to never become a humanities student:
- B.E. OR C.A. LOOKS BETTER IN THE BIO DATA
A significant percentage of our population believes in the system of arranged marriages and it is universally acknowledged that bio-datas stamped with an Engineering or Accountancy certificate have better market value. After all, higher education is all about getting a shiny bio-data, and then a good wedding. No one in their right minds would risk their martial future and take up a stream that merely focuses on creative and critical understanding of the human psyche. Gee, how awful would it be to marry a psychologist who might understand you better than a zoologist, no?
- THERE IS NO CAREER OR MONEY IN HUMANITIES
The worth of our education in measured in currency. And humanities can obviously never have a progressive career, let alone any money. What use is that education which doesn’t compel you to open a secret Swiss Bank account right? Hardly any famous personality associated to this stream; except for Ted Turner, J.K. Rowling, Steven Spielberg, Jack Ma, and another 38,70,349 people (give or take some), of course. Humanities turned out to be perfect course of study for them. But you could always turn out to be a rude exception.
- ONLY BURNOUTS FROM SCIENCE AND COMMERCE TAKE HUMANITIES
Social mythology suggests that Humanities is like that L or M row seats in a movie theater; we opt for them only when all other rows are jam-packed. So true. Humanities can never compete with the streams that run parallel to it, Arts students are not a passive recipients of a lifeless mass of facts, but active participants in the discovery and reconstruction of the knowledge they acquire. Can you imagine the horror! Thoughtful, critical cultivation of humanistic values in the global community. *SHUDDER*
- HUMANITIES STUDENTS HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME, WHICH THEY WASTE.
A Humanities student’s life is pathetically easy. Literature students only need to read 54 books in a semester; Political Science students only need to remember last five hundred years’ some 100-150 countries’ political history; Psychology and anthropology students merely have to work on exploring and understanding the ultra-dynamic functioning of the human mind. Terminal Cancer patients should never indulge into this Arts foolery. Yes, they might find extraordinary wisdom and peace in the schools of Philosophy and Spiritual Education but that’d be such a waste of time. On a thoroughly unrelated note, are our lives guaranteed to be any longer or less abrupt than that of any cancer victim?
- HUMANITIES STUDENTS ONLY END UP BEING TEACHERS
All this news about Humanities students ending up as famous actors, actresses, social workers, authors, dancers, singers, policy-makers, prime ministers – all of this is a government cover up. In reality, all Humanities students turn out as grade school teachers only. No other career option is possible for an Arts student. If we study well enough, Arts education could turn us into teachers and preachers of wisdom, harmony and humanity. Even so, a teacher is a teacher, no matter the subject. Case in point!
- TAKING UP HUMANITIES IS A WASTE OF TALENT AND INTELLIGENCE
What possible good can do you in life by being a dancing major? Ask Birju Maharaj.
You scored 90% in your board examination! Why would you ever waste all that brain in a B.A. course? All Humanities syllabus requires its students to be quintessentially inquisitive, perceptive and ingenious – such a waste of talent, right? Another glaring reason to not opt for Arts is that while streams of science and commerce are practical, but Humanities is abstract. Of course, there is the fact that while science students deal primarily with machines and commerce students with numbers and currency, arts students focus all their attention of humans, human life and humanity; but let’s ignore that for a while. It doesn’t help our case. I truly judge all arts students to be pseudo-intellectual hippies; I mean, they stand for what they believe in. Gee. Who does that these days?!
- Mr. SHARMA’S SON HAS NOT TAKEN UP HUMANITIES
The Pyramid of Cardinal Sins in India is rather different than other parts of the globe. You could blaspheme the country and survive, you could violently attack our commercial capital and continue living comfortably for another decade, you could steal taxpayers’ money to operate international scams and happily shift abroad – but you can never, never, never do something that Sharma ji’s son is not doing. Of all cardinal sins here, not jumping in the bandwagon is the most deplorable.
- ONLY GIRLS STUDY ARTS
Humanities is not a masculine subject, you see. It calls for effeminate behaviour by setting up a foundation for exploring and understanding human experience. Through empathetic observation, Humanities trains its students to foster social justice and equality. These soft subjects only invite us to think about what it means to be a human; this kind of thinking directly counteracts the intellectual impoverishment of our aggressive and hypercritical public culture. Not a man’s business at all, right?
- ARTS EDUCATION TRANSFORMS NORMAL HUMANS INTO KURTA WEARING, JHOLA CARRYING DREADLOCKED NOMADS
Of all my arguments against Humanities, this one is the most significant – the inherently despicable dress code of all arts students. Just like Science students wear their lab coats at all times and places, a Humanities student dresses up in the stereotypical FabIndia kurtas and plastic chappals. Similar to a Chartered Accountant who needs his calculator more than oxygen, a Literature student swaggers around with a faded jhola on her shoulder.
- IF THE AFOREMENTIONED NINE REASONS HAVE MANAGED TO CONVINCE YOU TO NEVER TAKE UP HUMANITIES, THEN HERE IS MY FINAL POINT –
Don’t take up Humanities, because in truth – बेटा, तुमसे ना हो पाएगा